Ask My Little Buddha

March 20, 2008 | Print

When my four and five year old fight they plead with me to take sides. I try not to referee, but I’m not sure what to do?

Sibling disagreements happen every day, and sometimes feel like all day. We try to find the balance between letting kids work it out as much on their own as they can manage, and stepping in to model a resolution approach (taking into account their ages and personalities).

Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (How to Talk So Kids Will Listen) is an easy read and helpful for understanding sibling dynamics and the feelings of unfairness brothers and sisters negotiate. Faber and Mazlish offer examples of how to help siblings work through their conflicts in different scenarios. While the situations often involve older children, they can be adapted for preschoolers.

In practice, we observe our kids’ dynamics just as we do when managing toddler conflicts. Noticing which child is tired or cranky. We also manage the rhythm of the day. If the kids are picking on each other in the house, we announce it’s time for riding bikes, taking a walk or going on a bug hunt. If everyone’s tired, we find a favorite book for a quiet story time or pull out crayons for drawing (helpful to have separate crayon boxes).

When we do intervene, we sit on the floor with the kids and tell them that each will have a chance to explain what’s happening. If the kids are crying, we let them finish crying before they speak. Then we ask one child to start (“John, you may tell us what happened”). When he’s done, the other child speaks (“And now Kate, you may tell us what happened”). After everyone’s aired their frustrations and concerns, we summarize what we’ve heard in the most simple terms. Together we consider how to resolve the situation: Do you have an idea of how to make this better? What if we got another truck? What if this half of the fort is a school and the other half an airport?

The sitting down and voicing complaints often releases the tension enough that the kids go back to playing together. They create a solution for themselves. If they don’t, we suggest taking a break and/or a new activity.

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