Chronicles of Chaos

July 1, 2007 | Print

Label-free Children

I’m dropping Wyatt off somewhere, and a parent doing the same tells his preschool age daughter, “Now you be a good girl today.”

I hear it all the time, and it always makes my skin crawl.

My belief is that kids are good. At times, their behavior is challenging, difficult or may make me crazy, but that doesn’t mean they’re bad kids.

Telling a child to be good means that they must do something to be good, and there’s a possibility or (horrors) expectation that they won’t be good, thus the reminder.

Too many times I’ve been asked when wheeling a baby around town, “Is he a good baby?”

In these moments I think to myself they started it.

I try to pleasantly respond with of course he is, all children are good. But there are those who catch me in a weak moment and get something like, how do you think I’m going to answer that, no, he’s a bad baby?

Either way, they tend to smile faintly and move away.

I once heard a preschool teacher say/complain that in her class she has all the biters. As in three and four year olds who bite.

I had the physical desire to lunge for this person labeling a child for his behavior. Maybe it’s my childhood history of being considered shy and withdrawn when in reality I was scared shitless and the people (whom I remember vividly) who spent a little time with me figured that out and even helped me come out of my shell a bit.

I’m trying to learn how not to lunge at those who label children and instead understand better why it happens and how we might all see the world differently.

Like, it’s not uncommon for preschoolers to bite. The opportunity for the teacher is to discover and understand the triggers, then support the child and his family through making a change. It may not be an easy task, but why not give it a try instead of stamping him (a preschooler!) with the problem kid label.

The other part of my learning process is seeing the quieter occasions when I myself label kids.

Mine happens most with my own kids. One loves school, the other’s (more) athletic, so and so has the sense of humor. I remember when they each learned to use the toilet, write their name, kick a ball and so on. Comparing them is natural, what happens to each of them becomes a context for the others.

But there’s a way to notice as observation rather than comparison–focus on each child separately and keep that data point within the context of their own character/personality.

And, perhaps labeling is the most dangerous in families, because we’re the constant. If one child gets cast as the academic, his sibling may assume a different role, and make unnatural choices for herself just to distinguish herself within the family.

Of course kids’ personalities, likes/dislikes, natural talents will surface and the rest of the family will recognize them–but they don’t have to define the boundaries of a child.

I see them more like a series of themes each child explores, experiments and discovers as they grow. In fact, as an adult I’m still doing the same thing.

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