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Resolving Toddler Conflicts: The Active Toy
The active toy is the toy in play–the rattle shaking, the truck rolling, the ball bouncing.
The allure of the active toy is its movement. It has more pizzazz than the rattle lying on the floor, the truck sitting on the shelf, the ball stopped in the corner. So kids choose the fun toy rather than the one sitting around.
The challenge is that the active toy is already in use, by another child. Which leads the curious toddler without the toy to take, snatch or otherwise remove the active toy from the child playing with it. Conflict often, but not always, ensues.
Children learn about possession before they can master the concept of sharing. Our role is to allow two (or more) toddlers to explore the active toy, negotiate the situation of everyone wanting it, and keep them safe at the same time.
We avoid the “share” word because they aren’t ready for the concept. Also, reprimanding toddlers for taking a toy can give them incentive to do it again–they like the attention they get from us.
Instead, we observe, reflect and intervene as needed:
“You want the red truck. Wilson’s playing with the truck. Maybe when he’s done you can play with it.” To a child who has unsuccessfully tried to take a toy, and appeals to us for help.
We don’t want to guarantee a “turn” because we don’t know that Wilson will ever give up the truck. Or, in a group situation, another child might pick it up when John lets go of it.
“Maybe we can find another truck. Do you see one on the shelf over there?” A gentle suggestion to lead play in another direction.
“John took the ball from you. You wanted the ball.” To the upset child who’s toy has been taken. Sometimes the child who took the toy will give it back once he hears this language or sees the other child crying.
“I’m putting my hand here. I don’t want you to take the toy from Henry.” Explaining as we put a hand between the children so that the toy is not taken.
Our hand is a gentle action that sets a boundary. If we see a child is very attached to a toy or having a hard day, or that the advancing child is behaving aggressively, we choose to protect them in this way.
Observing toddlers as they play helps us know how to best assist in moments of conflict. When we do use a hand to intervene, we’re already close by so our movements aren’t disruptive.
When we talk about the situation, we reflect what we see rather than assuming emotions (i.e., “You’re sad because he took the truck”). A crying toddler may be sad, angry, tired or frustrated. What we know for sure are the actions we observed before he started crying. And that’s what we reflect to him.
Often a child releases a toy being grabbed by another child without concern and moves to a new activity on his own. In these moments we don’t say a word.
Putting cherished toys away before play dates or having more than one of a particular toy can also create an easier landscape for toddlers playing with, or rather around, one another.
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