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July 6, 2007 | Print

Observe and Reflect

Observe and reflect is a simple concept that creates a strong foundation for our parenting as well as our relationships with our children.

We observe what they do, and reflect in simple words what we see.

• For a baby who rolls over, and then looks at us, “I see you rolled over.”

• For a baby or toddler working hard at a new movement, “I can tell you’re working hard at standing/putting that toy in the bucket.”

• For a preschooler desperate to play with a friend who’s out of town, “I know you want to play with Julie, you have a lot of fun together. It’s hard to wait till she comes home. Why don’t we leave a message for her so we can find a time to play when she gets back?”

By observing, we’re paying attention, listening and connecting with a child. When we reflect back to them, we acknowledge them, their feelings, accomplishments and efforts.

We’re careful about assigning emotions to their actions–a crying baby could be sad or angry, a toddler who throws a truck could be angry or frustrated, a preschooler upset about missing school could be worried about being left out or sad without her friends.

Instead of saying, sad, angry or worried, we may ask an older child how they’re feeling. With any age child, we might reflect what we’re actually seeing, “I can see you’re upset/crying/getting dressed quickly to go to the ice cream store.”

We do help them understand their emotions, we’re just attentive to the dynamics of each situation–we don’t want to be telling them how they feel, because then we’re disconnecting rather than connecting with them.

When we observe and reflect, we instinctively slow down, which feels great. And it takes just a moment to get down on their level and be present with them. At first, the language may feel funny, but it quickly becomes a natural approach (and helpful in adult relationships as well!).

We’re also modeling empathy and understanding for others, by showing the same for our kids. They learn from us, and follow our lead in their own interactions with children and adults.

More reading:
Dear Parent: Caring for Infants with Respect
Your Self-Confident Baby: How to Encourage Your Child’s Natural Abilities from the Very Start
Becoming the Parent You Want to Be
How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk

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