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The Less Cooperative Toddler
Somewhere around 16 to 18 months, our toddlers tend to become less cooperative.
The first sign is often car seat resistance. We open the car door and they start squirming, get them close to the seat, they arch back to refuse.
Other challenging moments can be washing hands after going to the park, changing diapers, leaving when it’s time to go and basic movements in any direction that’s not their direction (which is otherwise known as the opposite of our direction).
Our approaches usually fall into two categories:
1. Explain and proceed. We sometimes forget in the middle of a conflict, but we are bigger and stronger.
We save this approach for no choice situations, like the airport security line. We explain in simple words that we understand their desire and we do what we have to: “I can see you want to run, I’m going to hold you because it’s not okay to run here.”
For car trips when we don’t have time: “You’re arching your back. It’s time to pick John up from school, we’re leaving now. I’m going to buckle your car seat, would you like to do the top buckle?”
2. Give them time and space. The second, most favorable option is about finesse, timing and empowering our toddler.
By resisting, toddlers are saying I’m making a different choice. The finesse is acknowledging their choices and leading them to cooperate. At the same time, we do it in a way that confirms boundaries, which they like because as much as they want to do what they want to do, they want to know we’re there to protect them with limits.
For car rides, we allow extra time. If they resist the car seat, we might give them five minutes to roam around the sidewalk and then get in the car. Letting them play in the car often backfires because the next time we get in the car, they demand to play rather than cooperate in their seat.
If they’re engaged with something, we might move closer, observe what they’re doing, then lead them into the next activity.
“You’re moving the gate latch.”
Wait a minute or so, then: “It’s about time to get your shoes. I see your shoes under that bench.”
“Let’s get your shoes on so we can go home for lunch.”
The conversation is a slow build to a new direction.
We also factor in extra understanding for tired or teething days. Toddlers getting molars may not cry, but the teething often affects their behavior.
Overall, slowing our days to a toddler’s pace helps alleviate transition conflicts. We follow their lead when it’s an option. With the way life goes and managing other kids, slowing down is often difficult. Pockets of relaxed time like an hour exploring the backyard can give them a lot of what they need.
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