The top 5
Dealing with Tantrums
Tantrums are self-expression–the loud, messy version. They are a normal and important part of childhood, in our experience peaking around 18 months and again in the form of three and a half year olds. The terrible twos is a misnomer.
In the big picture, it’s good for children to test boundaries and make demands, to learn about compromise and not getting what they want. The question though, is what to do with a screaming child?
1. Let it happen. For parents, these big upsets can be jarring, exhausting, and when they happen in public, embarrassing. We stop ourselves from jumping to conclusions about why our kids are upset or restrict our child’s need to express their feelings. We hang in there, not giving in while also, once they’ve told us what they want, acknowledging their desires. We offer an alternative, redirect them to a new activity. Sometimes they’ll move on, or we may have to ride the emotional wave until they’re finished.
We try to stay objective and not take it personally. We remind ourselves that we’re not the only parent whose child screamed, “I hate you!” in the supermarket. We tell our child it’s not okay to talk to one another that way, give them other words to express their anger (“I’m angry at you!”) and leave as soon as possible.
2. Avoid triggers. We notice our three year-olds suffer from possession envy–as in I must have whatever my brother has, right NOW! So making sure there are two of everything can help, leaving favorite sand toys at home when we play at the park, noticing if more sleep is needed or less activities. In some cases, our kids’ bodies are craving more outside time to run and climb.
3. Empower the child. Children often erupt when they feel they’re not being heard or they feel stifled. Observing the build up to a child’s tantrums may help uncover if we could be listening better. Also, giving children jobs they can do on their own successfully can empower them to feel more in control. They appreciate when we offer choices, as simple as which shirt they want to wear, green or blue.
With toddlers, observing and reflecting what they’re exploring before directing them to what we want them to do can help them transition: “Oh, I see you’re closing and opening the cabinet. It makes a loud noise, doesn’t it?” Pause for a bit, then, “I have your shoes, we’ll put them on and go to the park.”
4. Remember it’s a stage. Our most challenging tantrum stage is three to four years old, give or take a few months on either side. Every one of our kids passed through this period. Some express louder and bigger upsets, others cry longer. The difficult moments are those that can’t seem to be resolved–our child makes an irrational demand (ice cream for dinner) and we can’t move them away from it. Some kids can’t unwind themselves without us meeting them partway. We eventually offer a compromise that leans in their favor–like one spoonful of ice cream, but only after dinner.
5. Be kind to yourself, your child and other tantrum enduring parents. The kindest thing another mom did for Lyndsey when her three year old was melting down on the sidewalk, was to come up to her and say gently, “I am so sorry. My three year-old laid himself out in the parking lot the other day at the market and stopped traffic.”
We’ve all been there. To calm our rattled nerves, we rely on old standbys–a walk around the neighborhood, an email or phone call to a friend, or a warm bath at the end of the day.
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